Why straight men shouldn’t be allowed to decorate

My Dad has always been into fishing.  Well, as long as I can remember anyway.  I used to love going fishing with my Dad.  We’d wake up at some un-Godly hour in the morning, get some donuts from the Red Barn, and then be on our way.  I’d sleep in the bow of the boat until a more reasonable hour, then wake up and eat some donuts and go fishing.  Good times.

The fish (but it used to be on a different wall, it got booted in favour of the new fish)

Anyway, fishing was good.  Until the day Dad brought home the fish. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, men put them in their offices, den’s, man cave’s, garages, or what have you.  But not my Dad. Nope, my Dad put the fish, the giant stuffed, mounted ugly fish, on the wall in our living room.  Not just any wall.  He put it on the one wall that you can clearly see through the giant bay window that faces the road.

My family always compared the fish to the leg lamp from ‘A Christmas Story.  If you haven’t seen that movie, go out and watch it, it’s pretty funny.  My Dad always hated the comparison and as soon as he saw us watching the movie, annoyingly stated “don’t you compare that lamp to my fish!!”  Haha, that was the whole reason we started watching the movie.  Someone suggested it to us because of the lamp.  Makes me giggle just thinking about it…

When I was in high school, I was on the track team.  Not that I like running, I hate it.  I was a pole vaulter.  Anyway, they had special activity buses to take the people who had to stay after school for some reason home.  They usually took a long time, since there weren’t very many, and had to cover a wide area, but they did the job.  When you get on, the bus driver asks where you live.  “Oh, you mean the house with the fish?”  The driver asked me.  Oh. My. Gosh.  Everyone on the bus was looking at me, wondering what the fish is.  If only there was a hole I could crawl into….

But it doesn’t stop there.  Before the fish, Dad put up some nice landscape photos that he took and framed.  They looked quite

the second fish (where the first one was), the landscapes, and a chinese artwork

nice.  It was good to have something on the walls instead of  just the plain, white, boring paint.  But then the fish came.  The fish doesn’t match the photos.  In fact, it looked pretty silly (my Dad is going to kill me for writing this…not literally, no one call the police please).

Native American art plus the magazine covers

Slowly, he kept adding other things to the walls.  A framed magazine cover (under some native American artworks, neither of which went at all with the original landscape photos), some sort of bow and arrow, a cluster of random photos and paintings that neither match each other, nor anything else in the room.  He added another fish.

Recently, Dad started going to China for business on a fairly regular basis.  He brought home some hanging Chinese artworks and added those to the wall as well.  Looking around the living room, it’s kind of like my eyes are being assaulted with decoration overload.  What do I look at?  Why does none of it match?  What is that thing?  AARRRGGGHHH!

my parents room

My parents re-did (well, did, it was never actually finished in the first place) the bathroom downstairs.  My mom suggested a theme for the bathroom: Lighthouses.  It looks fantastic!  Everything matches, it’s cute, it’s interesting, it’s pleasing to the eye.  But then there’s the pink flamingo.  Everything matches apart from that.  Guess who put that there?  Yeah, my Dad.

And this, ladies and gentleman, is why straight men should not be allowed to decorate:  They have no idea.  I’m sure they think it looks good, but really, it doesn’t.  Sigh, my Dad is not going to like reading this (but I hope you did!).  I hope he doesn’t die of embarrassment.

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Am I too old for Jackass?

Aaron and I haven’t been to a movie in…well, so long I can’t even remember.  I suppose that’s what happens when you have a baby, there’s no time for movies.  Or you just can’t be bothered.  I thought the Jackass empire had ended years ago when suddenly, an ad appeared on TV.  We usually skip ads, but we made an exception when the Jackass music graced our ears.  We’ve been Jackass fans for years.  10 years to be exact.  It’s been 10 years since Jackass made its ass-ey debut.  *Sigh* I’m getting old….

I remember going to see the last Jackass movie when it came out.  I laughed so hard my stomach hurt.  My face went numb from all the smiling.  My tear ducts were empty from all the I’m-laughing-so-hard-I’m-crying moments.  There was no way we were going to miss this new 3D version.

My sides started to ache.  Tears were running down my face.  Giggles escaped from my mouth.  In 3D, I almost felt like I was there, standing next to them, laughing at someone else’s misfortune.  Despite being a good 10 years older than the rest of the audience, we still found Jackass rather hilarious.  I don’t think I’ll ever be too old to watch Bam Margera screaming like a girl when faced with a pit of snakes.

Some scenes, however, were not funny at all.  They were just disgusting.  There is just no need to show a butt volcano (don’t ask, you don’t want to know), especially not in 3D.  I don’t think there is any need for the gross scenes, the movie would be much better without them.  It’s good feeling like you’re there, but not so much when everyone on-screen is vomiting (and we all know how I feel about vomit) and it seems like it’s travelling towards you, about to shower you with icky-ness.  Well, let’s be honest here, I closed my eyes during the vomit bits, but being 3D, I imagine that it would be coming towards me.  I wasn’t game to check.  Then the person behind me started making that little cough noise that often happens before the vomit comes (they apparently did not shut their eyes).  OH MY GOODNESS, someone is going to VOMIT on me!!!!! I honestly don’t know what I’d do if someone over the age of 2 vomited on me.  I’m sure it wouldn’t be pretty though.

And what’s with the male frontal nudity?  Ok, so a little bit is kinda funny.  Like when they do a funny stunt (I don’t want to ruin anything, so I’m not going to tell you about the stunts themselves), and then you’re like hang on was that…is he naked? But it was so fast that you’re not really sure and you didn’t actually see it very well.  That is kinda funny.  But a whole scene, a whole stunt involving, and focusing on male genitalia is just rude.  And not funny.  Plus, wouldn’t that be a bit awkward during filming, one guy standing there, buck naked, other males just milling about around him?  AWKWARD!  Not to mention embarrassing.

As with the last Jackass movie, Rip Taylor was there at the end.  Who the heck is Rip Taylor?  I have no idea.  And he’s not funny.  Rip Taylor endings are not funny.  Rip Taylor, you are not funny.  Please stay out of the Jackass movies!

All in all a very funny movie (minus the gross bits…).  My sides didn’t hurt as much as last time though.  I’m not sure if it’s because I’m older now, or if it just wasn’t as funny.  I was disappointed that Don Vito wasn’t in the movie as he is unintentionally HILARIOUS, but then I googled him and found out that he was arrested for groping 12 year olds.  Ew.  If you enjoy laughing at people making fools of themselves, doing funny and often dangerous stunts, then this movie is for you.  Laugh and enjoy.  Make sure you pee first.