The suicidal pigeon

22 Mar

“Mommy, can I go to the plaza with Aunty Jess?” Hannah asked me as we drove down the road.

I glanced over at The Jess, awkwardly giving her my best how-do-I-explain-to-a-3-year-old-that-you’re-getting-lasered look.  “Um…I don’t think you’re allowed to go in with Aunty Jess while she gets lasered sweetie.”

“It’s ok, she can come, it only takes like 5 minutes. She can come in with me.  Then we can go play.” The Jess told me.  Our local shopping centre (which everyone calls the plaza) has an indoor play area, which is quite handy for bribing children to be quiet and not jump out of the shopping trolley whilst we shop.

“YAY!!!!!” Hannah exclaimed excitedly.

BANG!

It came out of nowhere.  I put the brakes on, but there were cars behind me, so I didn’t slam them as I would had it been a person running out in front of the car.  It was only a pigeon, not really worth getting rear ended for.  But still, I thought he’d make it if I braked a little.

I saw him coming, only he was flying above the car before he got to the road, so I didn’t think to alter my driving.  As soon as the stupid pigeon reached the area in front of my car, however, he decided it would be a grand idea to dive and fly low.

He didn’t quite make it.  The majority of him flew off to the side, but other parts, presumably from his head, since I saw his body keep going, splattered all over the front of the car.

I sat there, still driving forward, but in slight shock for a moment, my eyes wide as saucers, my hands slightly shaky, staring at the road in front of me. The Jess sat in the passengers seat, also silent for a moment.

Oh my gosh, the kids are going to be traumatised. I thought to myself.

“We’re going to have so much fun Aunty Jess! You know what they have at the plaza? McDonalds!  You can buy me some nuggets, and we can go play….”

The Jess and I looked at each other.  Clearly the kids were oblivious to the slaughter that had just occurred at the front of the car.

As I kept driving, I could see a chunk of bird sitting on the hood out of the corner of my eye.

I slowed to a stop for a red light and The Jess and I couldn’t help ourselves, we started laughing.  I’m not really sure why.  Maybe it was nervous, shameful I-just-hit-something laughter, or maybe because it was so crazy that the kids had no idea what had just happened even though the horrible thud noise was plenty loud enough to be heard from the back seat.  Maybe it was the fact that Hannah was still going on and on about going to the plaza with Aunty Jess whilst we were a bit shaky and driving down the road looking at guts.

I don’t know, but we laughed.

“Why are there yellow bits in it?” I asked rhetorically to The Jess through my ridiculous giggles. I kept driving whilst trying not to stare at the guts just below the windscreen.

We laughed some more, trying to stifle it so Hannah wouldn’t ask us why we were laughing.

“It’s on the car.” I muttered to The Jess, so Hannah couldn’t hear me.

We laughed harder.

I pulled up to a drop off zone in front of the plaza to let The Jess and Hannah out of the car.

“There is an eyeball looking at me!” The Jess said as she looked at the front of the car.  “Seriously, I think it’s an eyeball!”

I had to see for myself.

“It looks like the car hit a bowl of porridge!”  I told the Jess. “If the porridge had feathers in it.”

“This bit looks like someone threw a bit of chicken casserole on the car!” It really did.  There were yellow corn-like bits in it.  You’d never guess it came from freshly hit pigeon.

It was disgusting, but still kinda funny in a disturbing kind of way.

Before I scrubbed all the pigeon brain (I’m assuming that’s what it was) from the car, I took a couple photos, just so I could show all of you.  A picture is worth a thousand words, right?

The bit I could see out the windshield. The orangey bits looked more yellow in real life (taken with an iphone, so what do you expect).  And what are all the green bits? Seriously, what sort of weird insides are these?

The bit I could see out the windshield. The orangey bits looked more yellow in real life (taken with an iphone, so what do you expect). And what are all the green bits? Seriously, what sort of weird insides are these?

This bit looks like porridge with a side of feathers.  At least it did in real life.  I should have gotten out my good camera, but that would have been a little too weird.

This bit looks like porridge with a side of feathers. At least it did in real life. I should have gotten out my good camera, but that would have been a little too weird.

Why do birds always fly low over roads?  I mean if they just stayed high in the air, they’d be fine.  Are they really that dumb?

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Copyright 2013 Sheri Thomson

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