Guest post: Creepy Kids Toys

 When I was little, I had this Christmas carol book with a built in keyboard.  I loved it.  Until it decided to randomly play in the middle of the night. At first I thought maybe the books next to it were causing a bit of pressure on the keyboard.  So I took it off the shelf and opened it up.  It still played randomly.  Then I thought maybe the batteries were dying.  I know toys can do weird things when the batteries aren’t working properly.  So I took them out.  At least I think I did.  It still played.  And creeped me right out.  I took that creepy Christmas book to the garage and threw it in the bin.  And didn’t sleep well for weeks, sure that something was out to get me.

Ben (and daughter) from My Rad Dad

That is why I can totally relate to today’s guest post by Benjamin of My Rad Dad (Go on, go check out his blog…you know you want to).  Yes, today we will be getting a Dad’s perspective on things.  Namely, creepy kids toys.

Kids toys can be many things.  They can be fun, annoying, entertaining, hilarious, boring, expensive, pink, pink and they can also be pink (its another 3 daughter joke… I know, I know, not that funny).

But there are a few very entertaining toys (entertaining for odd reasons) that I love, and some toys totally creep me out.  Let me explain.

First we’ll start with the oddly entertaining toys.
These are the toys that spell.  Now why would these be so entertaining? Admit it, when you pick up a toy that has letters that you can push and they make the letter sound the first thing you try to do is spell cuss words.  I know, I do too.  There is something about it that makes it impossible for an adult to play with a spelling toy and not try it.  (At least after reading this you are going to try it.)

The thing is is that toy companies have caught on to this semi-mature behavior from adults and put the kabosh on some kids toy cussing.

My daughters have this caterpillar that has letters on the feet and when you press the feet down it makes the sound of the letter.  But when you try to spell bad words it giggles.

“S” “H” “I” “hee hee hee hee, that tickles.”

Even as I write this it makes me laugh.

Creepy Kids Toys

I am about 99% sure some kids toys are possessed.  Toys that make sounds are all the rage for kids.  Toys like puzzles that moo when you put the cow in the right spot, potty chairs that sing when your child goes pee pee and toys that sing and talk in Spanish so your child will know how to say uno dos tres.  Its these very toys that are so creepy.

The mooing puzzle (which also meows, barks, oinks and cockadoodledoos) is triggered by light.  When you put the piece in the right spot the censor gets dark and the animals sound magically comes out of the puzzle.  Now lets say your responsible little kid loses every single puzzle piece, but the puzzle board still sits in the toy shelf in the living room.  Each and every night for six months you get a random creepy animal sound when you turn out the lights.

The singing potty chair has a mind of its own.  It is supposed to be triggered by liquid hitting the censor (whisper this: ‘The liquid is pee’).  But instead it is triggered by pure chance and creepiness.  The potty chair will burst into song any time it so desires.

“Tinkle tinkle hooray for you.

You went potty, number two.

Now I’ll sing to let you know, each and every time you go.

I’ll also sing when no ones around.

Just to freak your family out.”

In between kids we had the potty chair in the attic and if the house was quiet enough you could hear that freaky little toilet belt out a pee ballad once every few weeks.  That little potty really freaked me out.

Lastly is the Spanish speaking toy.  This toy also bursts into random song and spoken word, its just in a different language.  This has gone off in the middle of the night and I literally thought there were little Mexican kids singing and playing in our living room at 2 am.

So there you have it.  Don’t say you were not warned about creepy kids toys, and informed about ways to make innocent toys hilarious.

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