The art of stealth

12 Jan

Now a days it seems everyone is in such a rush, being stealthy has nearly died.  “But why would I need to be stealthy?”  you ask.  There are plenty of scenarios that demand a person brings on the  stealthiness.  For example, if it’s 5:30 in the morning and your spouse and child are sleeping and you want to use the door to the outside that is only separated from your spouse’s head by a thin wall.  Oh, and did I mention this door in particular is extremely, annoyingly, obnoxiously loud?

The Jess used to be the worst person ever in the art of stealth (maybe she still is, but she no longer lives in the same house as us, so I don’t really know).  She’d come home at all hours, open the front door and traipse inside.  Problem was it pretty much sounded like a herd of elephants had just rammed the door down and somehow managed to fit themselves inside.  And she thought she was being quiet.

I know, my friends and I were naughty

I learned the art of stealth when Hannah was a baby and any tiny little noise would wake her up.  There was no washing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, or sweeping the floor when Hannah was asleep for me.  No, no, no, that would be disastrous.  When she napped, I would have a nap, read a book, or, if I were feeling really daring, watch TV extremely quietly.  No, that’s not true, I learned the art of stealth in my naughty teenage days when I used to sneak out with my friends and change those moveable letter signs to say rude things instead of their normal advertising (at least I didn’t smoke, drink, do drugs, or steal things…).  There was one sign that was

Even got my initials on this one

particularly fun to change since it belonged to a girl at works dad.  I didn’t know that the first time we changed it, but the next day she came to work and told us all about it.  So of course we did it the next night too.  It was so much more amusing to change it, then hear about how annoying it was.  Plus my dad used to work the graveyard shift (overnight) and sleep during the day.  He’s a pretty light sleeper and would wake if we so much as farted, so I guess I learned to be stealthy then too.

My husband, and his side of the family on the other hand, are not so stealthy.  I guess they didn’t sneak out when they were younger, or have any other reason to be quiet.  I tried to teach them how to open and shut a door in a way that doesn’t make noise, but they just got offended (I thought I was being helpful) and told me that they are not 5.  So, doors are still loudly opened, I still wake up every time, and sometimes Hannah wakes up as well.

Being stealthy is easy.  All you have to do is turn the door handle all the way until the little thing that holds it in place in the door frame (whatever that is called) is all the way inside the door, then push or pull the door open (while still holding the knob, keeping the thing inside the door).  Viola, silent door opening.  Closing is just the same only opposite, turn the handle all the way, push or pull the door shut, then turn the handle so the thing is in the door frame.  Turning and pulling/pushing at the same time, on the other hand, makes lots of noise as the thing hits the edge of the slot it lives in when the door is shut.  Oh, and you have to do it slowly, with care, not hastily, with reckless abandon.

Now if I hear you’re using the stealth strategy for not so good purposes, I will sick ninjas on you, so do yourself a favour and don’t.

6 Responses to “The art of stealth”

  1. Daddy John January 12, 2011 at 1:40 pm #

    Do you really think I did not know you snuck out of the house? Come on, really?

    Your mom and I felt we should let you sneak around a bit or you might go wild on us. Did you know how stealthy I was?

    For instance, doing random drug testing on you? All it takes is a few strands of your long hair, which is sent to a lab for results.

    Oh yeah, let’s not forget the time you were … never mind, some things need to be a mystery.

    FYI — you had a pretty good childhood followed by your wild teenage years. Your most stealthy trick was tricking us into thinking you were only going to Australia for half a year!

    We still love you, you little sneak.

    • Sheri (Mommy Stuff Blogger) January 12, 2011 at 1:58 pm #

      I knew you knew, I put all the photos on my closet door, so unless you guys were completely unobservant, you’d have to know. Random drug tests? Whatever, I call your bluff!!!!!!! Why is the tone of your reply so hostile? It’s supposed to be a funny post

      • mom January 12, 2011 at 2:33 pm #

        It’s the second one in as many weeks that makes us sound like really bad parents. Then again you ran off to Australia at the first possible moment never to return so maybe we were.

      • Sheri (Mommy Stuff Blogger) January 12, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

        What are you talking about? I didn’t think either one made you sound like bad parents. I was highlighting MY naughtiness with this one and the other one was just my journey to get here. Why are you guys so cranky/passive aggressive with these posts? They’re supposed to be amusing (and happen to be true). Plus I wasn’t talking about the sneaking out part being stealth, because obviously you guys actually knew, but I meant the not making a noise when “sneaking” out part. Argh, the drama…

  2. mom January 12, 2011 at 2:21 pm #

    How sneaky is it when you show mom the pictures?

    And seriously, when choosing pictures for your blog you should stop to consider Grandma reads it!

  3. Daddy John January 12, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

    Hostile, no, we just wished you were still here, sneaking around changing signs and wearing different colored socks.

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